Ugh. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Today is one of those hard days that I am trying to just get through. It's been about 2 and a half years since my father's passing. And though I've been very close to my dad, some memories do fade with time (which I was afraid of). I try to speak of him in my everyday, think about him and see things that remind me of him. But sometimes that's not enough. So then you turn to pictures. To see his face, his smile. To remember things you can't with just your mind. Then the pictures just aren't enough. You want more. You wish to hear the sound of his voice because now you can't remember it anymore. Then what? You turn to home videos.
My dad had a camcorder back in the 90's. He ended up giving it to my Grandma. I had no recollection of this until the last month or so. I had no idea there were any movies with him on it. She said that there was one of my communion and one of him and his friends when they went down to Florida. Knowing that I had a tape with him on it meant the world to me. But I didn't get my hopes up. Just because she said there was something with him on it doesn't mean there is.
I watched the tapes (man, I forgot how to use a VCR, how sad is that), and at first, I couldn't find anything. I began to panic. I thought she had accidentally recorded over it, or that they never worked to begin with. My hopes of hearing my dad's voice was pretty much shattered. I sat here sad and depressed, knowing the last chance of hearing his voice was now, gone. But then I remembered something, TRACKING! When sometimes the tapes won't play, you have to mess with the tracking. I finally got it to work! But the video wasn't of my dad, it was of my cousin Luke. Then my cousin Nick, who just passed away. I sat there in shock. I was excited to see Nick, but at the same time, really sad that it wasn't my dad. I continued through the video, and eventually it made it to his part. Instantly I cried. I really did forget his laugh, how he talked, how HAPPY he was. Granted, this video was from 1993, but my dad didn't change much. I can't even tell you how many times he said "Hi Rachel" on there. My heart is seriously broken into a thousand pieces. I just want to jump through my TV and give him the biggest hug imaginable. I really hate how hard life is without him and I hate that God took him so soon. I just don't find it very fair, but I know I can't think like that. I'm just forever grateful to hear his voice again. It makes it almost seem like he never left me. I'm glad to have one video of two people I lost recently to remember them just a little bit more than my mind would allow. Life is funny sometimes. I am sitting here now not sure how to feel. I guess I'm more sad than anything else. It's a hard reality, and I feel like I made so much progress of dealing with his loss in the last two years, and now (in a way) I feel like I just moved backwards. I hope I don't get tossed into a deep depression again. I probably won't (I hope!!), but if I do, I do. I just miss him so much! Eeep. Just so many emotions right now...I guess now that my VCR is hooked up, I can toss in an old Disney movie I haven't seen in years and crochet to boost my sad spirits! I hope I didn't make anyone sad/depressed reading this. Totally not my intention.
ps. Yeup, that's me and my daddy back in the day. Aren't we cute?? :)